you and i/about that hug

we crossed paths in a lifetime where people pass each other on parallel roads,
we stopped and looked and found each other.
you know my soul
you’ve kissed my soul.

remember the time when i told you i can’t love you the way you want, and then i broke your heart?
you took me back.
we held each other on the mattress on the floor at a friend’s house-
quiet. when everybody else sang and danced around us,
all the noise faded and we saw no one else. for what seemed like an eternity.
peace. warm clouds engulfed my troubled heart
and i rested.

we walked together in dark neighbourhoods,
where women peek out from open doorways – half naked, half hiding
hesitant.
we walked together
our hearts broke over the injustices of this world.

remember the time when we fell asleep on the sand under the blinking stars?
by the fire, the sound of the waves in the distance,
you took in my breath, i took in yours and someone covered us with a blanket-
that was the sweetest gesture i’ve ever known
joy enveloped me!
no one minded the fire burning out.

hasn’t it been almost a decade now? since we did all those things?
since we sat on the top steps of the football field at school
playing your guitar, in that crisp night in June?
when i got back to the girls’ dorm
i had to jump in through the window. it was well past curfew.
we had to bribe the night guards with melting bars of chocolate and a bottle of half-drank wine.

it’s been too long since i last saw you and my eyes well up with tears at the mere thought of you.

and so,
i linger on this hug,
a little bit more than i should,
a little bit more than appropriate to the untrained eye-
sharp splinters of wood start burning in me.

all i’m trying to say is,
i love you –
like i love no one else.

© Tsion B., 2015

this holding thing

yes, you can lie here with me and we can do this holding thing they talk about so much. i don’t understand why there’s such a big fuss about it really. your arms will go around me; perhaps mine around you, our legs will snake around each other. you’ll probably feel my tenseness given that we don’t know each other all that well. i’ll close my eyes and pretend i don’t notice your breath so close to me, smelling the wine and all the things you want to say…
i’ll pretend that i do this everyday
i have too much holding in my life and this here darling, is not such a big deal.
but hold me closer.
tighter.
please don’t let me go.

here comes that quiet where i listen to the words in between. my mind closes halfway and i get a hefty glimpse of the way i’m meant to feel every day of my life. my thoughts threaten to turn into a sob, a dam that wants to break. but don’t worry, i will not do that to you.

and i promise –
i will not mention this when we pass each other in the hallway tomorrow. i’m good at not making too much out of stuff like this. with all the silence and stillness of yesterday, it shouldn’t be incredibly difficult.

but can we do this holding thing again sometime soon?
it makes me think of
sunflowers in a field
and the morning sun warming my skin
heavy droplets of rain
a kiss
first love.

so hold me closer,
i like it.

© Tsion B., 2015