a conversation with an introvert

i ask –
why me? with all my baggage, and secrets, and inaccessibility. i am open only marginally – sometimes – in imaginations and insane desire. i cross that bridge, briefly, as if in a dream, and come back – unsatisfied, undiscovered.

he answers –
‘you have this light about you.’
and i burst into a fit of giggles,
i cannot stop myself.
[on the way to work, a child smiles at me and holds out his arms. that is enough to make my day! i bounce away like the world belongs to me and i belong to it. i kiss it, i lick it – minute, pulsing]

what light!!????
are you by any chance referring to that thing i catch lurking when i walk by the mirror?
sometimes when i pretend not to be looking and my mind is empty,
resentment, pain and sadness leave me fleetingly!
that thing that hides the moment i wake up?
the one that makes you wish you were me – bathed in blissful radiance, and barely touching the ground?
but can’t you see i’ve lost that?

i want to know you he says…i want to be invisible and follow you around…i want to read your mind, dig all that dirt up and see you – you know – like no one ever has? can you allow me to do that? i want to say yes… i’m flattered…i’m scared…and i know he’ll take me – even after that. my heart expands with that knowledge. i feel the heat coming out of me and engulfing the stars, and him. i go out of hiding.

[i hide in every corner i can find…
in bedrooms and meeting rooms,
in words and in stories,
in dark, stinking pathways.
i hold on in secret because i know,
the fact that i’ve kissed a girl once upon a time
will definitely damage some well-cemented relationships.]

and now you say i have the light?
what are you trying to do?
uproot these days where i float by patching up loosened plaster from the walls?
school, work, traffic, home, rush rush rush, and hide in the other room
from the voice in my head that screams ‘what are you doing?’
and your ‘light’ comment?

just look at where that conversation brought us!

© Tsion B., 2015


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