things i should stop doing #2

saying sorry for things i shouldn’t be.

i’m sorry but i don’t agree with you.
i’m sorry but i’m not like you at all;
and for that matter, i don’t like you either.

sorry, but i don’t want you to touch me;
not now. not tomorrow. not after tomorrow. forever.

i’m sorry; i know i shouldn’t be crying. i swear i’m not trying to emotionally blackmail you. it’s just that i…
…does it even matter?

i’m sorry for the flare of acne on my face. my hormones go wacky sometimes and i can’t really control them.

sorry, i’m on my period and i have to make 20 bathroom trips in an hour so i can’t really see you today unless you come to my house.

sorry for the mess my children made in the house because that’s what children do.
oh and sorry i’m having a bad hair day because i had a lot of things to worry about today and i couldn’t care less about my hair.

i’m sorry, but i’m tired and i don’t feel like cooking for your lazy arse today.
and also, i’m going to lock myself up in my room for the next few hours and pretend that i do not exist.

i’m sorry, but i have to say no.
no. and i’m sorry i don’t feel like justifying every no that comes out of my mouth.

i’m sorry.
for wanting.
for not wanting.
for feeling too strongly about certain things.
for being emotional.
emotion-filled.
for not being good at some things like holding pointless conversations with strangers at a bar and not being polite enough to laugh at crappy jokes.
or make crappy jokes.
for thinking angles actually exist and my dead relatives appear in my dreams because they’re trying to tell me something.
for refusing to believe that you start to take angels and dead people seriously when all else fails and you’re desperate.
so desperate you run into the first random open arms mistaking them for a sign.

the sorry list is inexhaustible.
sometimes, i feel my sorries are like the rain apologizing for getting you wet.
or your nightmares appearing in the morning to ask forgiveness for the headaches and the bags under your eyes.
they don’t make sense at all.

©Tsion B., 2017

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recovery

i told you i have a million insecurities i learned in a little less than a decade
that’s why i hold my body so close to me
so tight i’m afraid it will break.
i told you i have a million insecurities.

i told you i have more baggage than your house and my house together can hold.
so much baggage my therapist slyly asks, how was your relationship with your father like when you were a child?
i might have a few things to say about that, but oh hell if she only knew that’s the least of my worries.
i told you i have a million insecurities.

i warned you to steer clear.
to stay far, far away.
i’m not an easy fix.
i’m not a month old love.
i don’t go with the flow.
i cry when i mean to laugh and laugh when i mean to cry.
not one of my bones are made out of easy acceptance.
but you, you found that hard to believe.
but i told you i have a million insecurities.

when you came along i was building my armor layer by layer by layer.
thinking strong means indifferent.
thinking strong means untouchable.
thinking strong means becoming a red shrieking siren that goes off with every attempted love.
when you came along, i told you we were wrong for each other but you said no two people have ever been so right.
when you came along, i told you i’m a recovering everything and you said you’d like to hold my hands.
when you came along, i told you sometimes i cry unbidden without a reason and you said you’ll kiss away my tears.
when you came along, i told you i’m getting to know myself again after being lost for so long and you said let’s do that together.
when you came along, i told you i was heart-constricting extremes and you said you’d rise to the challenge.
when you came along, i told you most times it’s hard for me to know what i want and i ask inappropriate questions that might sting at the heart.
such as-
do you think we are wrong?
do you think we are wrong for each other?
do you think i am wrong for you?
do you want to run?
do you want to run now?

©Tsion B., 2017