recovery

i told you i have a million insecurities i learned in a little less than a decade
that’s why i hold my body so close to me
so tight i’m afraid it will break.
i told you i have a million insecurities.

i told you i have more baggage than your house and my house together can hold.
so much baggage my therapist slyly asks, how was your relationship with your father like when you were a child?
i might have a few things to say about that, but oh hell if she only knew that’s the least of my worries.
i told you i have a million insecurities.

i warned you to steer clear.
to stay far, far away.
i’m not an easy fix.
i’m not a month old love.
i don’t go with the flow.
i cry when i mean to laugh and laugh when i mean to cry.
not one of my bones are made out of easy acceptance.
but you, you found that hard to believe.
but i told you i have a million insecurities.

when you came along i was building my armor layer by layer by layer.
thinking strong means indifferent.
thinking strong means untouchable.
thinking strong means becoming a red shrieking siren that goes off with every attempted love.
when you came along, i told you we were wrong for each other but you said no two people have ever been so right.
when you came along, i told you i’m a recovering everything and you said you’d like to hold my hands.
when you came along, i told you sometimes i cry unbidden without a reason and you said you’ll kiss away my tears.
when you came along, i told you i’m getting to know myself again after being lost for so long and you said let’s do that together.
when you came along, i told you i was heart-constricting extremes and you said you’d rise to the challenge.
when you came along, i told you most times it’s hard for me to know what i want and i ask inappropriate questions that might sting at the heart.
such as-
do you think we are wrong?
do you think we are wrong for each other?
do you think i am wrong for you?
do you want to run?
do you want to run now?

©Tsion B., 2017

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